I remember someone mentioned this when we were asked ‘what was the one thing you would like to change about yourself’ during one of the many leadership training workshops we get to attend on the job. Well, this was way back in 2011 in the city of Sydney and the colleague I am referring here was recounting her story from working in India. In our day-to-day, run of the mills times, such workshops often help us to rewind, introspect, listen to others’ stories and help reflect and gain perspectives in the process. I remember, I did take notice of the face of the person when I heard that sentence in that crowded seminar room. Firstly, it was very different from what every one of us were recounting and also because I needed to contextualize the statement with reference to the face. I do not remember exactly what I had said that day in my response to the same question, but now, especially what happened in last 24 hours, I think I would not think twice to say ‘wish I was not fair..err a fair sex’.
Well, I am very proud of the fact that I am a female. I am glad that I can be independent in this time and age and can decide for myself. Life has been a great education and I grew up knowing I am the only female child in the whole generation in a 'male outnumbering female' family and it is not a bad idea to be a girl, a woman, a female as long as you are sure of yourself.
Before I thrash it out, here are couple of disclaimers: I am an Indian, born and bred ‘locally’ with an overdose of travelling to many cities and countries to know that earth is indeed round! I am not young, not a teenager, at the least, who is overwhelmed at her experience of this world after she has been let out of her proverbial ‘parental cocoon’. But rather, read my story as ‘story of a woman’, a woman who has rounded the sun close to forty times, been to more than twenty five countries, lived independently in many cities which she called home from time to time, have had experienced myriad things under the sun (and also under the shade) to not to get overwhelmed with any new experience. Oh, she was trained as an Anthropologist to explore the unexplored and has been working in various locations for her researches for more than fifteen years. So, you get the picture, right?
Some of my students had told me that I am quite a powerful woman who they would like to emulate in life. Oh, I am also a teacher and teaching a class full of people from diverse background and locations pleases the person I have in my core. And now, the same ‘powerful’ woman is pouring out after she felt defeated, violated, not once but three times within the span of 24 hours. Well, similar things had happened before, and I had gained experience and made peace with them. And when I had discussed these with close friends, I was advised to take all these experience to my stride and not get hurt or to feel bitter. Anyway…
Story # 1
Picture this: I am on the road to the airport to catch my flight – the first flight out from this state capital in Eastern India. Earlier, I had booked a car for my airport drop from this five-star hotel I was staying in. As I started my journey for the airport, I called home to inform on my flight timings and expected time of arrival and just when I disconnected, the car screeched to a very abrupt halt bumping to the car we were trailing. I looked up to see what was ahead only to notice two big cows peacefully crossing the road and two hefty men emerging out of the car before us. Some heated altercation ensued and before things started to get ugly the driver of my car pleaded that he had a passenger for the morning flight and that we were running late and quickly made an exit from the scene. I was jolted, firstly, with a not-so-severe jaw injury (there was no backseat belt in the car) and then from the suddenness of the whole drama and the heated argument between two sets of drivers. I reached the airport and got engrossed in usual security rituals of ID cards, tickets, baggage scanning etc. Just when I was beginning to feel composed and waiting for my turn at the check-in queue, I heard someone shouting on top of his lungs ‘excuse me madam’….’excuse me madam’ as if he owns the airport. Everyone turned towards him and he came straight towards me and started to howl further to the point that I could see his eyeballs – yes, he was that close. Remember, I said, it was the first flight out – so, it was almost an empty airport and who so ever were present near the check-in counter started to watch the ‘high pitch’ drama. My response was that I was not driving, and it was not my car and also, the first car made an abrupt halt because of cows grazing on to the roads and cars involved were not banged badly as I did not see damage on the car and no one got badly hurt and that I was a visitor to this city and car belonged to the hotel I stayed during my trip. He kept shouting and asked which hotel I stayed in. At that point I logically could not continue talking with this ill-behaved person so I very sharply said ‘you can’t talk to me like this, please behave like a gentleman. You are shouting at me and this is an airport and not a scene of a drunken brawl’. And I stopped and turned towards the check-in counter. It worked. He went away and tried calling on his mobile phone making some more noise but refrained from making any direct communication with me. To tell you the truth, I was terrified to the core. I guess I can’t handle high pitch exchanges. And I was terrorised further when I figured that the person in question was my co-passenger and we would be sharing the same space for next four hours or so (if not longer).
As I was checking in, I just pleaded with the airline staff that in case this man is also a passenger on the same flight, I would not like to be seated next to him as he has been harassing me following me trailing the car and now in the airport. The airline suggested I report this to the CISF officials at the airport. But I chose not to report this and I gathered my hand luggage and seated myself in one corner to catch my breath and get some peace.
Now, as I recount this less than 10 min episode over and over again in my head, and with friends, I feel bizarre. And I am sure many who have travelled on road in India have been party to such scene. It was not really an error on the part of my driver – the first car halted abruptly and you follow suit and often such ‘bumping into each other’ does not involve much physical damage. I guess, as a fellow driver you contextualize the situation and let it pass. In the current case, on the contrary, there was every possibility of a road rage and possible physical assault. I did not want to divulge the name of the hotel as it could have led to some bad blood and the poor driver could have been in trouble in this game of power. Also, think about me – I was checking in to board my flight. In what sense would you come after me to fight? Also, when I mentioned my situation, I am sure it sounded rather foolish to ‘gherao’ the passenger and rather a visitor in the new city. Also, could not this interaction be milder, and done in polite ways? Why the man has to harass me? Why that man has to follow me into the airport almost to the point to terrorise me. I am sure people at the check in counter and those by-standers could observe that I was shaking in fear and anxiety handling such a violent outpour from a stranger and tugging along my luggage.
Now, my question is: what would have happened if there was a man in my place?
Story #2
Fast forward four hours, including one and half hours at the cruising height of 30,000 feet up above, I find myself in another car on the road of another city on my way home from another airport. The car is stuck in traffic and from both sides I have very ‘eager’ onlookers. I know, you would say, what is so new about it, especially when you are in a country of 2 billion people? Well, I am aware to expect crowded roads, traffic congestions but strangers communicating with you in the middle of a traffic jam – to the point of making music to the tune of whistle? Excuse me. However strong and independent you are, you get bothered when you are ogled at, you are whistled at, and you are teased. And however much you ask me to ignore, I have observed that its way difficult to ignore and let it pass. Only thing you wish, you weren’t there. I mean, it was rather terrifying with burly men on their bikes parked on both sides of your car at a traffic light and they are making enough noise and gesture to knock you off from your snooze. I remember thinking aloud to let my driver know that I was feeling uncomfortable and that he should take care to see where he parks at the next traffic light. Anyway, a part of me was trying to make sure that all the doors were locked from inside.
Now my question is: what do you think, I tend to over react or would you like to place your daughter, or wife or sister or mother in my place and ask how she felt? Did she also feel that gut wrenching fear, that nauseating anger and feeling stuck and a strong urge to be invisible and evaporate in the broad daylight?
Story #3
I reach home, make a couple of phone calls and update some emails. Laze around for some time and then make some food to recharge myself. I pause to capture my wandering mind to compose myself before I start working. After the end of work day, I decide to run some errands and headed for the market. My phone rings, it’s an unknown number and the caller is addressing me as ‘professor’ and congratulating me for what he perceived I achieved in my profession. Long story short, this was a phone call from someone who I first met some nineteen years ago and knew from my university time. He is visiting India for a week and intends to meet up with old friends as he has bunch of updates including his marriage, his new baby boy and the great position as advisor at the ministry back in his home country. As we spoke I came to know he searched for me on google and learned about my work and called my office at 9am to give me a surprise call. Since I was away from my office (story no 1 and story no 2 can tell you that!) what he planned to surprise me did not work and instead the receptionist at work connected him to my mobile phone. I tell you, in this time and age of easy connectivity and virtual world, this is a scary truth that you have no idea who all you are sharing your information with without even knowing about it! And I am not any celebrity! Anyway, an impromptu reunion was planned between two old friends from the university. We planned to meet at this open air crafts emporium in the evening as he had a meeting planned with the college principal in the late afternoon. Little did I know that this impromptu meeting with an old friend from univ would leave me feeling violated at the end of the day.
Now, you will ask what happened. Yes, I will spit..err spill it all ….…so, read on.
I guess hugs and handshakes are part of any reunion and meetings with old friends. But, kisses, inappropriate touches despite your objection? He was all emotional and trying to remember each and every interaction from last decades and somewhere overemphasized that I was his ‘first’ friend in this new country when he enrolled as a student in the univ way back in 1996. I watched for a while, but as usual, my straightforward streak could not be subdued for long so I cracked an awkward question ‘I guess, such deep friends do know about their friends’ lives and not spring up surprises after decades’. Our meeting was rather short and he insisted that he will drop me home despite my refusing him chaperoning me. At one point, I did start to sniff that this wasn’t a very benevolent friendly reunion that is unfolding but rather a lusty man trying to sell emotional stories to seduce a woman. I guess, any friend who truly knows what it means to be a friend, would respect what you say, and value your words and would never violate their friends. Despite repeated requests he kept hugging me, kept holding my hands however many times I would free them from his clasps, and even tried to touch me in objectionable ways. I had to end this ‘reunion’ and made a hasty move to return home and headed for the metro. After almost ten minutes or so, as I was waiting for the next metro, I saw him peering to get a look of the side of the platform which is meant for ‘women coach’. At that moment, I felt so unsafe and I cursed myself for taking this decision to meet this ‘old friend’ instead of getting some rest after an already ‘eventful’ day.
So, what do you think, I made a bad decision to go meet an old friend? If I go to meet an old friend, does it mean I am asking him to kiss me or touch me? Is not my saying ‘no’ means no? Why an old friend has to be slapped to make him understand that I have all the right over my own body and it’s not friendly to touch a friend’s body just like that?
So what do you say now? I say, it’s no fun to be shouted at, it’s no fun feeling terrified and terrorised and fending all by yourself, it’s no fun to be ogled at, and of course it’s no fun at all to get kissed when you don’t want it!
You know, why I wish I wasn’t fair…err.. a fair sex!? Wait, do you still think I am strong and powerful? I am really tired of all these….
