Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, it turned into a butterfly. ~Proverb
Watching life from the side lines sometimes can be such a worthwhile experience. I am in such a phase right now – much of the reason is that I do not want to be part of this race to know whether I can really run or to prove it to anyone and on another level, I am in a different mode where I observe and not ‘do’ stuff. You may say something different but that doesn’t bother me. We all have our own opinions and view points and I do what I want to do and think the way I want to think and I totally have my reasons.
I have seen life – inside-out, pretty deep I must say. I have lived in different places with different people, travelled, seen the world, made friends, climbed mountains, and went deep into the ocean, had seen successes and failures, lost and found, tasted the highs and fallen deep and deeply in love, laughed and cried and nonetheless, made a happy connection with life and a meaningful one at that! And of course, I lived a life to die without any regrets. I know, I can do better and that’s always the case, I want to do much more than what I do, with a wish to better my best. And perhaps that’s the reason I am always in this continuous anxiety, constant restlessness and don’t find reasons to feel satisfied. Yes, I haven’t achieved what I set out to achieve in this life
And then, I slowed down, to observe and to ponder and prolly, to reinvent and see through things. I must say – this is exhilarating. I know I am different. I know that. And you told me too many times. But now I celebrate that differentness and don’t try to conform or please anyone. It is what it is, take it or leave it and I do no harm, I do not mean any harm. I have grown this way to be me, I have been brought up this way to be me and not to alter my wiring and be what you want me to be. I know I am a woman in a man’s world. I know I am one tough nut and you get jitters to face me. I know I am a delicate one and I wear this tough shield for the world outside. I know I am a difficult one you love to dump in one corner.
But what the hell, how does that matter? You play your game and I play mine. But the scene is, I see through your game and you cant win me over. Because, for a long long time, I have stopped accepting your definitions, your standards, your ideals, your perspectives. Because, with the life I have, the experiences I have gone through, I have to respect my own perspectives, I have to acknowledge my thinking, accept my true feelings. And it is totally perfect to be different. It’s awesome to be difficult. It’s joyous to be ‘me’. Yes, I know I am going there where I belong. I am wee bit too late or too early but things are falling in place and before you even know your view points, your standards, your ideals will be so obsolete and I could care less what you thought about me. But you know, however difficult you made it for me, actually this journey helped me see things differently and helped me to mould me. So I say ‘thanks nonetheless! ‘ wearing that nice smile which I know you cant handle! [hehe]
Oh, have you read this one Oscar Wilde wrote once? that “what seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.” It makes so much sense to me from where I am now :-)
Addendum [3 July 2014]: just needed to clarify as many of the readers are intrigued about who is this 'you' I have referred in this post. I am an Indian, based out of India and this 'you' refers to the stereotype society, people, situation create for a woman. This 'you' is no individual but a group. Thanks, Solna.
